Worse.

Feeling my heart crumble again when met with that ice-cold stare.


Why, oh why, do I feel for you?

I love the way they lie about me.

Stealin' my shine, eh? Ya better act like you don't know me, or else I might just flat out disrespect.

Oh wait.

I already am doing that.

I have nothing but contempt for those who tell lies.

Yet my heart feels heavy leaving.

I will always have the memories.

It's almost over.

CALIFORNIA.


Sushi.

And stuff.

At least I managed to sleep by now.

And I helped a fifteen year old when I wanted to get out of Canada,
and then staggered when it came to getting into the States, since I didn't know a specific address where I was going to stay at.

But I'm in now. And only for two weeks. Why would they care? I'm just here to have foo-- fun, and food.

to remind me

I should look at the villain songs and rate them.
It sounds like a decent idea to kill time and avoid my assignments.

in a world so full of freedom and liberty,

everyone's acting really polarized and narrow-minded.


get the fuck off my planet.

women

I wrote about Marx and Marx and Marx and Weber today.

I surely love Marx.

Google+

ASSIGNMENTS AND MIDTERM STUDYING

a lone piano chord, adrift in a sea of white noise

Source Code 8/10

blogging feels like this sometimes

yes, the world is a grim, dark and unjust place.
yes, it must suck if you missed out on that amazing ticket for that amazing show.
yes, i agree, it totally sucks that that one music star is not coming to your town.
yes, migraines are horrible.
yes, i think everyone should know about what you did today, and how you felt about it.

wait.

no.

it doesn't affect you anymore when you're over it
it affects me
i'm not over it.


need a dispenser.needadispenserneedadispenser

a thought crossed my mind.

but writing it out would be not cool.

dominos is not worth my money.

my stomach feels like it's going to puke lava in a few minutes.

Team Fortress 2 10/10
Shutter Island Shit my bed/Shit my fucking bed

because how i feel doesn't fucking matter

Wolfhound 7.5/10
Limitless 9/10

Lots more to go.

buy sc2.
play mafia with us.
we're cool.


o.

consider the meaning, and shrug it right off



you'll only encourage me

Mafia is the best party game ever.


Have not laughed this hard since whoknowswhen.

ding dong
the witch is dead
which ol witch
the wicked witch

gotta let it all go

hatefuck this revolting world.
hate.
fuck.

this is where i live, but i've never felt less at home

they can't be as bad as mine.


though, last night, i wish it hadn't been a dream.


though, the nights before that, i wish it had not been remembered by me.

i've been havin' bad, bad dreams.

HFIGHTING


HFIGHTINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

but is it fun?


is it fun?

oh, necrololicon.

necrocomicon. quickening.

turns to dust.

and lo
he created Rob Brown to be the zennest motherfucking reporter in Vancouver.

huzzah.

it's working out somehow.

we normal folks just look the other way, and try not to lose our minds.

ich kenne alles,
ich kenne einen nicht,
und der bin ich

(ﾉ・∀・)ﾉ　＝＝＝＝＝┻━┻))⊙Дﾟ)･∵

nothing's left on the other side.

ich hab nen coolen klingelton

it shouldn't be like this.

everyone else can go blow themselves.

because i'm bad as fuck.

sick nerd baller

yesterday was already a great day,
today is better, because yesterday came before today.

goddamnit, i hate macro.

cthulhu is always the best punchline.

some let the big dogs eat 'em up.

i want to be a lion.
they live the fucking life.

holy shit micro is easy.

macro on the other hand isn't.

fuck glee.

young, gifted and black.

come on up to the house.

WHAT HOUSE?

WHAT FUCKING HOUSE?

I USED DYNAMITE. NO. YOU USED DYNAMITE FIRST.

What house, man? I just miss my fucking bed. I hate walking and zombies.

time to find out how good I really am.

A?, more like Sc!

this was a good idea.

despite feeling like crying, and pondering about things,

it was a good idea.

bad nostalgia.

i guess.

i promise that i will treat my meat better from this point on.

● ○

three days.
three days.
three fucking days.

fuck disney.
fuck money.
fuck art.

gay bacon strips
gay bacon strips
gay bacon strips

bottom of the lake.

c

you got a fucking death wish

i m

a genie, it'll get done.

v t

i.

Call the cops. I don't give a fuck.

Stop fucking off.

Obviously, originality is dead. But sharing is caring.

So, stop fucking off.

Life is what you make it to be. There is no planned destiny. Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.
Life is not in fact destined. You make it what you want it to be.

STOP FUCKING OFF.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.

STOP. FUCKING. OFF.

Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live.

Stop fucking off.

The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.
And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: The solution does not involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of some day easing my fit into a mold. It does not involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It does not involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

Fuck.
That.
Shit.



ohfuckicantswim.

refuse. resist.

try me.

rattling through a prison of introspection

watching games for charity.

and this time, armchair activism actually works.

Go TLO~!

This is that zen bullshit they're talking about.

I'm really fucking good at it.

I have never listened to music.

blue

When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - to see life as it is and not as it should be.

i doubt.

i'm a brotha with a furious mind.

disregard women acquire currency

at least I'm still alive

what

you want to go on a... a what? a playdate? are we five? unless we get to fuck in the sandbox, the answer is no.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

the sound of a thousand bees in my ears, can't shake the static

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I haven't done this in a while

I, for one, welcome our half-dragon, half-octopus, half-humanoid elder gods.

Mudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamudamuda

Es ist der allgemeine Zustand, nicht du.
Es war schon immer so. Etwas geht nicht wie ich's will, et voilà, ich brauch meine Ruhe. Ich muss das selber lösen.

Prima donna ich, Prima donna du. Elektrizität ist hoch; Kompromisse müssen sein, aber nie soll ich mich selbst verleugnen.

Es gibt nicht nur dich/mich auf der Welt. Es gibt auch andere.

MUDDAH.

Und wenn was passiert,
dann, wie Mutti sacht,
Ehrlichkeit, Offenheit, Klarheit,
was dabei rauskommt... das ist doch das Schöne dabei. Das ist die Reise die man zusammen unternimmt.

So what if some conversations aren't positive, or end up in us not talking for a week? That's part of life. We learn about each other that way.
And hey, if you ever throw a tantrum where you'll tear me a new one, have an episode where you scowl me into the lowest circle of hell... I'll just come back half an hour later and ask you if you've calmed down, with boyish innocence gleaming on my face and nothing but good intentions in my veins.

Break yourself

Maybe I was a bit too irrational last night.
I hope she didn't hear, or if, understand me.
That was the illness and the hint of whiskey talking.
You know that I possess sensibility, but that is being impaired by me being sick.


♥ Mom, though, for being there for me in my moment of despair.

Fuck you.
Fuck you for shitting on my heart and my love.

In addendum

I want to cry, too.
But that's not possible.

I'm congested, coughing like a mafaka, and sitting right next to the fucking door where you are probably sleeping in right now. Sleeping the just and fair sleep.

I know that it's not right of me to contest that you are not allowed to,
but as I mentioned like a few minutes ago, there is the hunch of mine where I believe you are not aware of some things.

I feel like I should be the person to show you, but I think that that would not end up the way I want it to.

I should quit you.

I should concentrate on school, on life, on moving on.

Fuck you, you make me want to leave, I don't want to leave you.

I'm better now, though. I'm getting studying done when I'm not regurgitating the mother of all phlegm.



Put some effort into this.
It seems like your world is working out just as fine, as long as you get what you want,
so either you want this friendship, or whatever, or not.

I don't like ultimatums, so it'll end up in a conversation, which I'm not going to start, but wait forever for you to do so.

But no, now you can actually respect what I ask for and leave me alone?

I don't get you, sometimes.
I'm still learning. I hope that it'll help me, you.


Knowing my luck... probably just me, after the great divide.

Almost a week

And I've learned so much.
About myself, about you.

But can I use it without hurting either of us?

No.

That's the problem.

If I use what I've learned and what I want to put into work for myself... I'll end up hurting myself and you.
If I use what I've learned and what you seem to want at this very moment... I'll end up hurting myself.

The problem is: either way, I have to learn how to cut ties with you. I don't want to, as much as it pains, I don't want to lose you.

Sure, naive and optimistic as we both are, we both want to maintain a friendship after this, but it'll be awkward, no matter what either of us say, think or wish for right now.


I want to break free from this. I believe that things can be better, without tears, but from this point of time and place... it'll be difficult, and it'd require something that I cannot possibly achieve.

Fuck it. It's so hard being sentient, empathetic, and caring
for someone
who
does not
understand
when
they
hurt
you.

Or understands various other factors that seem not to bother you at all.

At least I'm getting it off my shoulder in some way.




I wish you would see what I see.

Same thing,

fuck off, cause I hate you all.

Fuck off, Mitch, I hate you.


Happy Birthdate.

Kablooey.

I need to work even harder,
so I can find out how to turn either my brain or my emotions off.

HUZZAH, FINALS.

You want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

I enjoy being angry, though.

The day's not been ruined, but surely, I know better now.


Hah. What a pretentious cunt.

HEY. HOW ARE YOU?

Day has been ruined.

Good job.

I thought I'd let you know.

I do not like eggs in the file.

I do not like them in any style.

Screw you, epic movies.

Screw you, bit of information that will cause more trouble than it should.
Screw you, time, not the concept of the time, but time itself for being so slow when I want you to be fast.
Screw you, COBRA!

Identity Crisis 2.0

This is the second time in my life that I seem to have problems finding out what I really want.
And hey, have my old ambitions got me anywhere? Other than Canada, that is, and in university.

'cause I'm certainly not as happy as I hoped I would be.
So, I'm definitely doing something right, and something wrong. Some of my ways are wrong, as they do not lead to my happiness.
It's time to get egoistical up in here. I want to be really happy, however, with that notion of what really makes me me - ending up spreading that cheer.

But I also got my spine back. Time to make use of it.

So

I've had my
ups and downs
dealt with
cunts and clowns.

Wut

Carriers do more DPS than Marines.

Fix my neck

More assertive and aggressive,
my attitude worsened.

Still raging.

It is because when something bad happens,
I want to remember the good times,
or look toward new, good times.

But right now, it seems like I'm out of memories,
and waiting to no avail.

Right now.

Let times change.

I'm madly in anger with you

Fuck it all and fucking no regrets.




It just sucks in comparison.

It's not that BAD.

Kill 'em all was more metal, anyhow.

Raining all day, every day

My heart's endless grandeur.

Doesn't really disappoint me, nor does it make me rage,
I just feel a bit on the meh-side of life.

I killed myself today.

For total social ineptitude.

I embrace my inner nerd.

Let me readjust that neck of yours

Heartbeats offend me.

I won't back down

Friend-zone does not exist in the German vocabulary.

Stop doing this

You're nauseated.
Possibly also nauseous,
but probably only nauseated.

Get it right.

Oxygen

The day time stood still.

Happy S.A.D.

Valentine's Day to some, Single's Awareness Day to the rest of us. Raise a glass to all the lonely hearts around the world today.

Maybe two glasses.

A lovely Friday

So far, nothing has gone wrong today.

I have been productive,
I have gotten my last twinrix shot,
and I have learned a few new things.

However,

You should do something, Tim.


I love my parents. Thanks for sending me yet more chocolate.

A List

Because I felt like making a list, here's a list of TV related things. It will be completely biased and subjective, of course. Durr.

Favourite Character of Any Show In All of Existence (that I watch currently)

Kalinda from The Good Wife.

She's a kickass badass who's not afraid of anything. Or at least does't show it. She has a dark, mysterious past that's about to be unraveled, and she's such a charismatic charmer that if you didn't know better, you would think she's a Jedi doing the Jedi Mind Trick.

Shows I Love That I Haven't Watched A Single Episode of the New Season Yet

House

Burn Notice

South Park

There's absolutely no reason why I've stopped watching these shows. It's not like they're bad, actually, they're quite good, but I just haven't gotten to them yet. Especially South Park, it's the only show that I know of that still does satire amazingly well. Hmm.

Awesome Shows That I Used To Watch Religiously That Have Completely Fell Flat On Its Face

The Big Bang Theory

Supernatural

How I Met Your Mother

Well, I'm being a bit harsh on BBT as it's still very entertaining and even quite funny at times, but I feel like it has lost its way and charm somehow. Hmm, I don't know.

Supernatural, on the other hand, have completely disappointed me since last season, but more so this season. It's not like that it even turned into a hot train wreck of mess that's entertaining to watch, it's more like watching an old man not knowing where to go. Meaning that it's sad and boring to watch. With the exception of 3 back-to-back episodes mid season that was absolutely a-mah-zing, the rest of the season just felt bland, boring, and tired. I am truly disappointed.

HIMYM. *shrug* While it still has its charms occasionally, I feel like they try too hard sometimes. HIMYM was never known for big laughs. This always felt like a "hot coco in front of the fireplace on a cold day" kind of show, which is fine, which is what I loved about it. But recently, I haven't been feeling that, and I haven't been laughing. Uh oh.

Show With a Creative Comeback

30 Rock

This has always been my favourite comedy since Arrested Development went off the air (grrr Fox) and has always sustained its quality throughout most of its run. But last year, I feared for it because it honestly wasn't that funny. But this season, watching some of the episodes made me actually LOL so hard. Tina Fey and Co. completely restored my faith in this show. It's sad that Tina Fey doesn't get enough credit for her acting. People still see her as a writer that acts, but she's way more than that. Her, along with the show, is clever, smart, and fucking hilarious. Regardless, I'm glad she has that acting Emmy from a couple of years ago. Go Tina!

Show That's Not Exactly Terribly Good or Terrifically Bad But I Watch Religiously Every Week Anyway (aka Guilty Pleasure)

Desperate Housewives

I would argue that this show wasn't a *just* a guilty pleasure a couple of years back, but now, I'm not so sure. The mystery this year is engaging enough, unlike past travesties. I don't know. I still love it, and I still watch it. Really nothing much to add. :P

Show That's Getting Deafening Buzz From Its Fanbase That Turns Me Off But Makes Me Watch To Watch Anyway

Community

Yep. This show. I watched the first three episodes and kind of gave up. But this has turned into quite a massive cult hit. I don't know, I might give it a chance again. >_>

Show That Everybody Seemed To Loved That Completely Pissed Me Off

The Walking Dead

This was probably the most overrated show in awhile. The storylines were dumb. The characters were unlikable and frustrating. I mean, take the protagonist for an example. He wakes up alone, city full of zombies, and the first thing he does was want to find his family. Okay, fair enough. After his "long" journey (2-3 episodes) he finally finds his family! Yay! And what is the first thing he does? Goes back out to city to try to save a fucking useless racist sorry excuse of a human being that they had to handcuff to a pipe but had to leave him behind because of a zombie attack. I mean, he didn't spend 20 seconds with his family and he rather goes out and save some random, fucking, useless stranger that's not worth saving than to spend time with his family or to secure their safety. I hate these characters with a "hero complex", fuck off. No one ever uses logic or brains, all they/he mostly cares about is "must...save...". In some ways, that kinda makes him like a zombie. Hey, maybe he should kill himself!

Him aside, the whole supporting cast was either grating, bland, or clichéd. No one stands out as a character, at all.

The plotting was plodding. The characters made me want to see the zombies eat their face off. And everything felt like it was either grey or dark grey, visually. I only watched the first three episodes and skipped the latter three. I don't care if it gets better, I don't care if it's exciting. To me, this show is irrevocably unredeemable.

P.S. how do you fail at a fucking show about zombies.

And to top it off, my favs (that are currently airing):

Fav Comedies:

30 Rock

Glee

Modern Family

Parks and Recreation

The Office

Desperate Housewives

Cougar Town

Dramas:

Fringe

The Good Wife

Okay, so it turns out that it's not so much a "fav list" as more of "what I watch list". I would put Supernatural on there, but you know, this season's really bad. I still say it's one of my fav shows overall, but I just can't forget about this season. Ditto with HIMYM. Hmm...speaking of Fringe, I need to catch up on that. x_x

And whoa, just realized that I almost don't watch any dramas at all. Whoa. Well, didn't help that Brothers & Sisters completely failed and now I have no interest in going back. Anyhoo, that was my list!

Ciao~

Your mom

Always keep your head up.
Always drop truth bombs.

I love work.

Freundschaft ist wie Musik.
Sie trägt ihren Lohn in sich selbst.

Identity

I'm looking at this blog, and it clearly lacks any sort of identity whatsoever. And since we can just make a blog of mish mesh, I'll just post a list of games that I'm anticipating! A list that no one's going to read!

In no particular order:

Mass Effect 3

Probably the best series/franchise I've ever played. My 2nd favourite series would actually be the Shadow Hearts series. Just an FYI...for no one, apparently.

Brink, Bulletstorm, possibly Killzone 3, Rage

Apparently I've turned into a sci-fi shooter junkie without knowing.

Arkham City

Well, because it's Batman!

Gears 3

Another sci-fi series, but I thought it deserved its own slot because, well, I felt like it. Great story, surprisingly. Can't wait for the closing!

Portal 2

Loved the first one. 'nuff said.

That's all that comes to mind at the moment. :D

Your honour

His heart boiled over
Thoughts broke the brittle silence









And he recognised her voice.

A thought came to mind today

I felt like posting something...

A dreaming god

My erupting heart.

I am not your teacher. I am a friend.

Noun

gamine (plural gamines)

1. a female street urchin
2. a mischievous, playful, elfish, pert girl or young woman

Adjective

gamine (comparative more gamine, superlative most gamine)

1. (of a girl) having a boyish, mischievous charm; tomboyish.

I learned it today. And now have you.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT.


OED says:

Pronunciation: /gaˈmin/

Etymology: French.

A female gamin; an attractively pert, mischievous or elfish girl or young woman, usually small and slim.

Now feel better about your life and your vocabulary.

Amélie? Amélie?

"Et bien je crois que le moment est venu pour elle de prendre un vrai risque."

"Justement, elle y pense. Elle est en train de réfléchir à un stratagème..."

"Ah elle aime bien ça les stratagèmes! En fait, elle est un peu lâche. Je crois que c'est pour ça que j'ai du mal à saisir son regard."





"Ma petite Amélie, vous n'avez pas des os en verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vraie vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette. Alors, allez-y, nom d'un chien!"

This ain't Kansas

I miss the little things.

The way I used to do my bed.

My chair. My bed.

The way you smiled at me.

The little, annoying sounds from home.

My clock. My fan.

The way that cannot be again.

Smile at me; break the rules.

Resolutions

Fuck. You won't stick to your resolutions.
That's your drunken ass talking to look sophisticated in front of your friends.

Just be a good guy, a good girl. Make someone smile. Cocaine's one helluva drug.


The World is awesome.

The Man Who Sold The World

Goodbye MMX.
Hello MMXI.

Okay, honestly, I would like to go back to 2008 and look at how things got really different for me.
I don't want to give people the impression that I'm complaining here at any given bit, because as of now, my life is actually working out and looking at the past makes me feel so much better about myself and the things I've done and the choices I've made that it just feels like bad things have to happen so I can feel good. And please, for the love of what is sacred to you and your family, and your loved ones, don't call it Karma or anything like that, because that's just bullshit.

So, yes, hi. 2008 is actually kind of blurry to me, but I know that I started my social work, which would be the first step toward a better world. Eighteen months of helping old and disabled people I've discovered that I had been misled by many and a few.
I had been misled by a few people back home, because of my forgiving and sometimes naive manner - believing that they were what would make me happy. I won't name anyone, but it really got me depressive and near suicide a few times, but thanks to good friends I'm still around.
I had also been misled by school. Grades were the tower I was supposed to built and worship at the same time. And also renovate, fancy it up and sacrifice my own life to it. They are quite diabolical in the way they can ruin the majority of young minds.
"Oh, you did not do well in this one assignment. It is about 20% of your entire grade. This means you failed at math."
So, what is there to gather from this? A single assignment has ruined an entire class - a single assignment that might not play any vital role in that person's life, job or even in reality, and, yet, that person felt horrible. "Oh fuck, I hate Math." That might have been a response. A single letdown can easily fuck it all up for you.
And even then, those things you learn are of ambiguous value to you, your fellow kin and the world we live on. I am not saying that you learn nothing from school, or that you should only take a selected few classes that are interesting to you. I am saying that there is a lack of feedback, interest and good that the modern school systems represent.
As of now, I've started university and I'm doing well so far. Yes, you seen that post a while ago, I'm not repeating this to make myself feel better, but more or less to say that an intermediate to worse student can actually get A's in his academic life when it is really interesting to oneself.

Let's get off this one.

Eighteen months, and I have loved every single working day of it. I have learned of the flaws in the old, and the benefit from talking to them - something that a lot of young people will not experience. I've learned how to deal with reality, how to help someone who is in a life-threatening situation, who is about to die in front of your eyes. I've learned to be patient, how to respect authorities (don't get me started on this, but it is not that kind of authority), and how to enjoy work. It was still work. There were days where I hated waking up. Not those days where you wake up and wish you were dead, but rather where your intestines should give up and give you all the diarrhea a mortal being can survive through and decline him the plight of work.
But during these shifts - different ones, yup - I was different. Eager and always ready to help when it was asked of me. I didn't complain, whine or do anything that would have upset anybody. Yet, the other young people, who were doing their social work, were not that nice to me. I don't know why. Maybe because I was a bit older, knew a bit more about life, or in some cases, because I didn't have a fucking broomstick up my ass.
Six, eight, ten or twelve hours. Those were the frames in which I worked. In which I did my very best. After that, before that, I suffered. It was worth it.

Now, we've arrived at the 31st of December in the year 2009.
What had happened? I had signed up for a university, in a distant country, a far far away place I had never been to, a place where, at that point, I knew nobody. January to April I was contemplating so many things. So many things that were bad to the human nature. I was afraid, really, really afraid. I did not know who I was, who my parents were, or what I could ever achieve. School had destroyed my ego, work had manifested what was left of it and had given me new, still-to-be discovered strength.
The days crept closer, and closing in on May, I was on my way to this country.
I felt sick. Ready to die. Do whatever. There's a huge part of the story that will not be included here. So if you know me, just ask me, and I'll tell you about it. I might make more sense. It might include some background information about my life during school in Germany.

But where am I now? I survived the summer semester, and thought I had just saved up enough energy to do well. Now I'm done with the fall semester, six classes, and still not seeming to go down.

I have made a lot of new friends. People who deserve the word friend. Some acquaintances, some foes, probably. It always happens. You can't be a crowd pleaser. You can't make them all happy (but you should attempt!).
I have learned things about life. I have learned things that might be useful in life, or in the future profession I'll be doing. Who knows. I might have fallen in love again. I might have saved a few lives just by talking to people. By not talking to people.

I know that I have made a difference.
I have shown others that you can do it if you really want to.
I know that I am trying to make it better.

I am trying to make others happy.

Whatever I will end up in life, I will try to make people happy, to make things better, to make this a better world.

Call it stupid.
Call it unachievable.
Call me naive.

Call me a dreamer.
I like dreaming.

You call it your dream house, because it is the house of your dreams. You will never live in it, and if you do, you will have a new dream house, that you will strive for.

Wouldn't that make us all dreamers, then?


Goodbye MMX. We had some fun. We had some good, some bad times.
Hello MMXI. We will have some good, some bad times. Let's have some fun.



PS: Hopefully some good, fucking music is being released this year.